25 YEARS OF MARRIAGE: The Gift of a Lifetime and my advice to the youths By Chief Ogwu James Onoja, SAN, FCArb

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Twenty-five years ago I married the woman of my dreams. I had no idea what it would be like to celebrate our 25th wedding anniversary and it has been an incredible journey: from elation and anticipation, to settling into a marriage we have grown to understand and respect each other. Follow along as I share some of the key moments in our lives for the past 25 years, and how we are looking forward to what the next 25 years have in store for us.

During our marriage preparations, many factors and events readily come to mind. Before the date fixed for our wedding, I became an orphan having lost both parents within six months.

In spite of these tribulations, we both agreed that receiving little financial support for our wedding was the best thing that happened to us and our marriage even when the limited financial help from family and friends were not enough to give us the BEST WEDDING SUIT/DRESS as we desired. My wife wedding gown was borrowed as we could not afford buying a new one. Today, God has blessed us in so many ways, especially, our beautiful children and here we are celebrating 25 years of our wedding.

Marriage is a lifelong investment. The fruit of this investment can be seen in the lives of my mentor/father and his wife; Engr. J.O. Makoju and Mrs. Gladdys, who has been married for more than 40 years. I have taken my time to study them and found that there are four basic aspects to successful marriages: positive feelings, a feeling of safety, a sense of emotional support and commitment to one another.

Even when we have been married for 25 years, it can be difficult to pack up emotions and memories into a box. There are so many things that have transpired in our life together. So many trials, so many tribulations. It is not just the marriage vows or the first date or the honeymoon – it is everything – all of those moments you shared with your spouse that bind you together as one.

The culmination of the past twenty-five years of marriage is more beautiful than ever, and I am grateful for this gift.

I am indebted to my In-laws, Mr. & Mrs. Emmanuel Negedu KSM, JP for entrusting their daughter into my hands, my dear late parents, brothers and sisters, my Daddy, Engr. Joseph Oyeyami Makoju for taking me and ensuring my growth and development to this stage.

We live in a world where all our values and beliefs, which have been passed down from generation to generation, are being redefined. Marriage and family are also given varied meanings. Human relationships take numerous forms in today’s still-changing modernity, and new constellations are being formed. Today, the term “marriage” has a broader meaning than just the legal or religious designation of “entangled” partners. It also refers to persons who believe themselves to be related to one another not only by legal terms, but also on a variety of levels outside of the standard definition of marriage. It continues to be reflected in the emergence of new marriage-family or quasi-family living forms. For millennia, however, we have inextricably linked the concept of family with Love, support, warmth, and a meeting place with individuals who are significant and precious to us, on whom we can rely on and expect assistance when we are in need.

Divorce of the parents, as a major life event, is deeply etched in the identity of “divorced children,” in my experience. It has a significant impact on their views about marriage, family, and relationships in general. 25 years is special and golden to me because at the age of 7 years, my parents were divorced, and I was raised by others and subjected to many abuses. I worked and prayed hard so that my children never experienced that.

ADVISE TO THE YOUNG MARRIAGES
Don’t wait until you have the world in your pocked before making the move to marry. If you love all the negative things around you, you will never get married. I did mine while I had nothing – no car, no house, just my GOD.

Start planning your wedding at least two years in advance. This is not a joke. You want to be ready for the big day and this will allow you enough time to save up for it and give you plenty of planning time.

Be ready to compromise on some things. No one likes to, but instead of fighting over who gets what every year, just go ahead and agree on a few things now and save yourselves the stress of going through this every year until your wedding arrives.

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Don’t go to sleep angry. Fighting while tired doesn’t accomplish anything. Revisit the argument the next day when you’re both fully rested and had time to think or just let it go for the sake of peace.

Communication, respect, honesty, and understanding are the cornerstones to a good marriage.

Have fun as a couple, support each other in your professional careers or at least finish any bucket list items you may have set for accomplishment.

Ten years from now, you and your spouse probably won’t be the exact same people that you are today. This can lead to conflict down the road. Try to find compromise and understand each other’s point of view.

Don’t say ‘I am helping my wife’ when it comes to housework. You live there, you have eyes, just get up and do what needs to be done. Don’t expect your wife to manage the house and your life for you. She’s not your mother and does not want to be, especially if you have children.

Don’t talk things about each other to your friends or family members. You’re a team. If you have a complaint and need to tell someone, be honest with your partner about it rather than telling a third party.

Treat your spouse with the same respect you’d treat a casual acquaintance. That sounds counterintuitive but what I mean is this: do not call names, don’t yell, don’t make unfounded accusations. Be polite. Say please and thank you. Call them out on something good on the regular. Don’t insult their appearance or various skills. Even when you’ve got an issue, address it with kindness or at least good manners. This is ostensibly the person you love most in the world; the least you can do is treat them as humanely as you would.

“The trust bucket fills up drop by drop, but it only takes one kick to empty it”, so try as hard as you can to work on your trust in each other.

If you want extraordinary breakthrough love your wife more than yourself. You can argue with yourself.

The Trumpet is an emerging Nigerian online newspaper with the target of taking lead in a few years in professional journalism. Reach us via admin@thetrumpetng.com or call for opinions, contributions, and complaints. We do not compromise on standards.

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